Raargant

[Evangelion]

I am also acquainted with several publishers who have come into the store with authors, so I would be happy to ask around.

[Raargant]

I'm more focused on finishing this, and making it the best story I can, for now. Thanks all, though

[Evangelion]

I didn't have time to fully examine this, but it did look like an interesting prospect, that I just happened to come across in an ad.

http://wordclay.com

Anyway, your work is coming along nicely. Looking forward to more.

[Mattamue]

Ch 15 impressions.

Instantly interested in the new characters. I assumed Graymaw and Aurora to be in the gray twilight. Thought about who their assailant(s)? could be. As I read and considered these things my train of thought got tangled around this bit in the third paragraph.

"His own blood which still matted his silver-gray fur even though the wounds from which it had sprung had been closed served to remind him of that."

His own blood, which still matted his silver-gray fur, even though the wounds from which it had sprung had been closed, served to remind him of that. (No idea if that's how the sentence should be written, but that's what I had to do to read it.)

I had to stop and re-read it and break it up in my mind to understand that the blood reminded Graymaw of the recent healing. At first I thought it was the fur.. then the closing.. then I don't know. Point: I had to leave the moment of the story to analyze the sentence to understand what you were trying to tell.

After that when Aurora mentioned being able to draw food I wondered why she didn't bring it up when Graymaw mentioned the cur in the cage starving.

"My dear, beloved master left me my ears, and I hear every single word spoken." Heard, easy to miss.

The sacrifice, while gruesome, enthralled me. I recalled the bits about Mat doing it all for a favor from Arzon and felt what I thought was Mat's sort of.. tense-muscle-shrug-anger-pity. Whatever it was I felt something.

You doing bad things to other people, heh. I like Frost. I don't care if he's evil. If he dies I'll die a little inside.

"The girl found and save me as I lay dying." Saved. Feel kinda nit-picky with stuff like this but I dunno who else points it out to you.

Reminds me of Perrin which is, hands down, my favorite WoT character. Conclusion to the chapter also reminds me of the whisper-talk Mat had with Kumu at the end of chapter 14. Being left out of the secret chat again made me focus on being left out instead of thinking about what it could be or being excited for what's going to happen. As I write this review it's made me think that it's a feeling Frost has for Mat and Lyria.

[Raargant]

Thanks Mattamue! As always, I greatly appreciate your comments on your feelings and thoughts while reading.

The blood/fur line has been changed to: "His own blood still matted his silver-gray fur, even though the wounds from which it had sprung was closed."

The hear/heard was already changed in my copy.

Save to saved was already changed in my copy.

After that when Aurora mentioned being able to draw food I wondered why she didn't bring it up when Graymaw mentioned the cur in the cage starving.

Not an oversight. You'll find out in the next chapter. Nothing major; just something emblematic of her nature as a little girl, is all.

__________

On a personal note, a bit of trouble I'm having right now is maintaining the balance between backstory (of which there's a lot), with character development/character interaction, but also keeping a smooth pace of actually progressing the damn story itself. This narrative is already over 80,000 words strong (I was boggled when I had word do a word count), but it feels as though much of the story really is just beginning to really unfold. A bit torn with regards to how to proceed, which is actually one of the biggest reasons for the (comparative) slowdown these days. It's much easier when you are first starting out. This chapter is actually one of the ones where I personally think I struck a good balance. Hrm...

[Evangelion]

Just remember, there's no harm in pulling a Robert Jordan and turning one book into three.

Every good literary series is born because an author puts their ideas to paper, and decides that 300 pieces just isn't enough.

[Raargant]

Interlude Two is up! This one is more expository of recent history, as well as reveals some Savant-side machinations.

[Mattamue]

Re: Interlude

Only thing that tripped me up was the description of the mage houses.

The, "Things had not been so bad in the past," paragraph.

I understood what you were telling on my second read through but only had a vague idea of how they were arranged, lead, and situated on the first read. I didn't affect much of my understanding of the rest of the story and I didn't notice what I had missed until the second read. So, missing it didn't negatively affect the read much, the mage house bit just got sorta skimmed over the first time.

Give more details to the other houses to make them more than names? Even if it's a short blurb about their leader, geography, specialty, or something. I think my problem at first was that even though you had told me things were bad in the past it didn't register as start of the story past. Could be because I read the start of the story months ago.

Even more interested in Frost now. Remember and obey unlike Frost? Betting on a history of him going awol. Not bound like the other Ravens? Taking orders literally to a fault - on purpose? I'm imagining Frost siding with Mat. Not by Mat's virtues or actions, but doing it because his brother is the only one he has true animosity for. Ever other murder is because it's fun on a bun to kill.

Also, Vast may now be the commander instead of the slim black leather guy. I'm convinced he's around in some form.

[Raargant]

Mattamue, I don't quite understand. 'In the past' simply referred to, quite literally, the past. This was the first time where I fleshed out the 'past' to any real degree from the Savant point of view; what is the misunderstanding?

Would changing that line to be "Things had not been so bad, long ago in the distant past" help?

[Pali]

To be honest, I thought it appropriate that the houses were not terribly fleshed out... the paragraph read as if it was Tuoh's train of thought. Why would he need to be reminding himself who the house heads were? Also, a lot of what I personally have enjoyed about the story is that information about the past is only doled out little by little. It takes a long time to find out what happened in Matheius's past (we still don't know exactly what happened in the last fight between him and Radavast, or why he was asleep for so long, or even what the promise Arzon made to him that got him to switch sides was), and I enjoy that. It's not just the current events that get fleshed out more in new sections, it's the entire story of the world.

[Raargant]

Yes, Pali, that's exactly the reason why a lot of the 'auxiliary' information, so to speak, was not been fleshed out; as you said, all of it was his train of thought. And you described exactly the effect I am trying to go for; doling out information 'little by little'.

As I said in a previous post, it's actually quite a chore trying to flesh our the present, flesh out the past, flesh out the characters, WHILE keeping the actual storyline moving. Please do let me know if at any point, it's becoming un/less balanced

[Raargant]

Whoops, forgot about something. The following in bold has been added in.

“They will. They are only a few days away at most,” came Spectre’s hollow-sounding reply. “What makes you so sure?” Tuoh asked. Spectre paused, then slowly responded, “Frost and I have a bond. I can...feel...him. More strongly now than before. Each day we have waited, the feeling has grown stronger. I cannot tell exactly what plane he is on, but he is headed in the equivalent of this direction, wherever he is. And he will be here soon.”

Tuoh let out an annoyed sigh and nodded. “And the prisoner?” They had caught a rounin trying to sneak into camp some days ago. Since then, he had refused to talk, despite their best efforts. They still didn’t even know his name. “Dead,” Spectre replied. Tuoh shot to his feet. “What?! I ordered you to keep him alive!” Spectre seemed to shrug. “We didn’t kill him. He killed himself. Swallowed his own tongue.”

With a muttered oath, Tuoh sat back down again. What a way to start the mission. “Fine,” Tuoh growled. “Fine. Make sure your people are ready. This operation needs to go perfectly.” Spectre responded emotionlessly, “My Ravens are always ready, Arbiter. Just make sure your mages aren’t too sloppy.”

[Questioner]

"For causing his death then enslavement to Arzaiel, he was going to kill them if he could."

Shouldn't it read: "For causing his death meant another enslaved servant to Arzaiel, he was going to kill them if he could."

[Raargant]

Perhaps 'They caused him to die, then become enslaved to Arzaiel. For that, he was going to kill them if he could.' Tuoh, here, is referring to his own death and enslavement, not that of Matheius/Frost.

[Raargant]

Chapter coming later today.

Trailer:

[...]“Bedtime story?” Graymaw asked incredulously. “I don’t know any bedtime stories. Just go to sleep.” “But I can’t!” Aurora wailed softly. “I tried. Just tell me a story?” Graymaw let out a growl of discontent. “Like what?” Aurora frowned for a moment, eyes narrowing in concentration before they brightened. “I know! Why don’t you tell me about your great granddaddy, and how he knew Mr. Mat?”

“Great grandsire, not great granddaddy,” Graymaw corrected. “And I don’t care to tell the story.” That yellow eye closed as Graymaw prepared to go back to sleep, but Aurora began to wheedle. “Please? Pretty please?” He tried to ignore her, but she just kept on nagging at him, until finally, Graymaw opened that eye again, glaring at Aurora balefully. “Fine,” the great wyulf muttered. “If I tell you a story, will you go to sleep?” “Promise!” Aurora said. Graymaw let out another sigh, then nodded.

“Then I will tell you a story, girl,” Graymaw pronounced. “It is a famous one amongst the People. It is a story of battle, of my legendary great grandsire, Cloudstrider, and of Heartkin, the Two-Leg who could speak as the People could. Although many are the battles in which the People have fought against Two-Legs, never since the earliest days had there been such a victory as this one. This is a story of blood and war and death, and victory.” Graymaw paused. “Are you afraid, girl?” He asked. “Do you still wish to hear this story?” In a small voice, Aurora replied, “Yes, please.”

Graymaw growled. “Then I will tell you this story, of Cloudstrider, of Heartkin, and of the great battle at the Two-Leg castle named Stormhaven. This is a story centuries old, now. Imagine a castle under siege, manned by only a few hundred soldiers, but surrounded by a great host numbering in the thousands.”

Soundlessly, Matheius rose to his feet, fully awake now and preparing to leave. But even as he strode away, the sound of Graymaw’s low, growling voice seemed to pursue him, bringing back memories which were best kept buried.[...]

[The End]

stop breaking my heart, please.

[Raargant]

Sorry, sorry! Combination of a small writer's block for the last two pages of the chapter, combined with tough work hours recently. Coming up tonight or tomorrow, pinky promise.

[Twinblades713]

I know you're not finished yet, but when are you going to get this published? Seriously.

[Evangelion]

I know you're not finished yet' date=' but when are you going to get this published? Seriously.[/quote']

Stop asking the man for deadlines. You're making him nervous.

[Raargant]

I know you're not finished yet' date=' but when are you going to get this published? Seriously.[/quote']

I'm not even going to consider that seriously until I finish it, and probably even then, not until after I polish it to a sufficient degree . The ETA, if everything goes smoothly, is perhaps half a year to a year from now? In a month or so, I'll have much more time to write.

And on the topic of writing, chapter 16 is up! One of the reasons why it took so long was because there was too much which I wanted to put in to fit into one chapter (which is what I was aiming for), and so I spent a lot of time thinking of how to condense it. Unable to do so without taking out things I liked, I left it as is.

And so, Chapter 16: Southern Tiger, Arctic Wolf has been posted. As always, please R&R.

[Raargant]

PS: Mattamue, now you have your answer as to why Aurora couldn't make food for Graymaw

[Raargant]

Chapter 17 is almost done. Will be coming up in a day or two. Preview:

“Dance...” Frost’s voice came out in an ethereal whisper from behind. Matheius turned his gaze away from the circle of dead wyulfs around them to Frost. Frost’s eyes were open, now, and an unearthly glow was emanating from those white pupils.

Something cold and wet touched Matheius on his left arm. He glanced at it. It was a single, small snowflake, red in color. With one finger, he lifted the rapidly melting snowflake to his nose and sniffed. Blood, he thought to himself. My blood, he realized a moment later.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Lyria’s lips closing. Her red hair had turned wholly white by now, and her beautiful features replaced by the rotting black face of the banshee which he had seen back in Sargon. That hideous gaze turned towards Matheius, and she shook her head. Evidently, she was exhausted.

The dead wyulfs shook their heads as well as they once more began to tighten the circle around the party. Their teeth were bared, but they did not growl. They were silent as death itself. All of a sudden, they stopped. A wary, confused look appeared on those evil faces as they gazed upwards at the sky.

Suddenly, Matheius realized that more snowflakes had begun to fall around them, all of them red in color. A chill wind had arisen, blowing gently at first, but with growing vigor, causing the increasingly-heavy snowfall to swirl about as though caught in a cyclone. Once more, Matheius heard Frost’s voice. “Dance of the Crimson Snow.”

[Raargant]

So that was more than a day or two. So sue me.

Chapter 17: The Ferryman of Twilight, is coming up now.

[Raargant]

The coming chapters are actually ones that I've been wanting to write for a while now; that, combined with the fact that I now have much more free time on my hands, means this one came out fast. Without further ado, I give you:

Chapter 18: A Murder of Crows.

HOWEVER.

This will represent the last post which I will make on this forum. Someone previously posted, and quite rightly, that it is very, very difficult to ask people to make comments regarding pacing and other things when the story is a work in progress. I thought about that comment, and also came to realize that it's difficult to ask people about their feelings/thoughts on various characters, when/if updates come so infrequently that the story and characters don't stay fresh in their mind.

Also, there has been some degree of 'retconning' and editing as I write, and it is simply too bothersome for me to make those changes on the forum...which leads to any 'new' readers possibly getting confused. Consequently, a week after this today/this last post, all chapters of Merciful Swordsman, Merciless Sword will be coming down/baleted from the forum. I'd like to thank everyone who has read/enjoyed/commented. In a few months time, I'll have finished (hopefully), and perhaps by then, I'll ask a few nice people to give the entire thing a gander, and hopefully, they'll accept.

Thanks again, everyone!

[Pali]

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Damnit... I love that story.