killalou Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Hey gang, I need some advice on this little piece. My little brother is preparing for college and he wrote the required essay. He sent thsi essay my way and ask for help. Problem is....I can't really help because I dont know how. I was wondering if you guess had any constructive critism. Thanks!! P.S. The topic of the essay "If there has been some obstacle or bump in road in your academic or personal life please explain the circumstances". UF admissions essay: Personal Reflection Growing up thinking everything in life comes easy; I carelessly became trapped throughout the school years. Throughout the school years I began falling in an ominous and vile pit of immaturity. Lacking knowledge and feeling that it was time to grow up and buckle down like a student, I ended up somewhat overextending myself with difficult classes. By now you should know this is a letter of forgiveness, a letter that emphasizes or stresses the point of my new character filled with many feats and qualities. I have made myself into a character or person who applies himself. A character that is committed and devoted to hard work and challenge: A character that does not continue foolish acts; acts that involve skipping class, disregarding homework and participation, and acts that result in a write-up or referral; A character that will achieve whenever and whatever possibilities, no matter what it takes. Like liquid Bleach over a dirty stained shirt, I have discarded my ways ("stains") of immaturity. This letter is a letter of forgiveness for the lack of knowledge and determination I once had and for the many years I have wasted. Because of those few years of shame and disappointments, I am stronger than ever and I will shine bright white now and in my future attempts, personally and professionally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grishnak Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Firstly, the entire thing is a bit...over the top. This might be alright, given the age of the writer, but I think it should sound a bit more mature. It's also pretty vague, which I'd clean up for a college essay. The end of the first sentence and the start of the second uses the exact same words. Change that. It's a personal essay, so I can't and won't say anything is right or wrong, but I personally believe that it's better to embrace and learn from one's faults and mistakes rather than ask for forgiveness and pretend you're a completely new person. Also, one does not "make themselves into a new character." They can apply themselves to overcome their perceived deficiencies, but it is our outward actions and life experiences that define who we are. Have your brother embrace his mistakes as defining moments in his life, moments that have allowed him to realize that there are better ways to live. I don't know how long it's supposed to be, but that's mighty short. Finally, this is a college entrance essay. Take everything I just said with a grain of salt. Colleges are looking for unique, stand-out essays. Long ago my high school buddy wrote his college essay on "Who is your hero and why?" about Winnie the Pooh. He got into a school where his grades and SAT scores alone would have failed him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
killalou Posted September 20, 2007 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Thanks thats some good advice. P.S. Lol, Winnie the Pooh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aulian Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 That was pretty full on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyzarius Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 That is very short for a college essay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pali Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Provide specific examples of situations. Don't say "I'm more responsible now", show it by saying "I'm working 40 hours a week now and my manager is very happy with me", or talk about some other way that you've actually been applying this new maturity and sense of responsibility. As others have said, don't treat your mistakes like they were done by some other you; accept that you did them and treat them as experiences to be learned from. Be honest in your letter, tell them a time you screwed up and exactly how you learned from it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyzarius Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 Provide specific examples of situations. Don't say "I'm more responsible now"' date=' show it by saying "I'm working 40 hours a week now and my manager is very happy with me", or talk about some other way that you've actually been applying this new maturity and sense of responsibility. As others have said, don't treat your mistakes like they were done by some other you; accept that you did them and treat them as experiences to be learned from. Be honest in your letter, tell them a time you screwed up and exactly how you learned from it.[/quote'] Should take whats written; write a intro paragraph, three main point paragraphs, and a conclusion paragraph that summerizes the entire thing. Hit all three points in your final paragaph explaining why and how they all mesh to reach the goal outlined in your intro. Pali is right, ELABORATE, college prof's (since a comittee of professors is probably reviewing the apps) like elaborated essays. Show structure, organized thought, and knowledge of the writing techniques taught in highschool in your essays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Forsaken Posted September 20, 2007 Report Share Posted September 20, 2007 P.S. The topic of the essay "If there has been some obstacle or bump in road in your academic or personal life please explain the circumstances". Reply: There have been no obstacles or bumps in my path to academic or personal goals. Now let me into your college plz,k,thx,bai. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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