Wax is not your friend.

[Dizz]

This is funny! CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out

loud...I laughed till I almost cried as I could just

see this happening! This is why I have never tried to use wax:

All hair removal methods have tricked women with

their promises of easy, painless removal - The

epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come

home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the

thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the

next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit

out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site

of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a

clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in

your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and

press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull

the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it

be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically

inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips

facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing

them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the

hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax,"

yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold

the skin around it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it

wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can

do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am

She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of

smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking

on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the

ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across

the right side of my bikini line, covering the right

half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to the inside

of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale

deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY

GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only

managed to pull off half the strip.

CRAP!!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP!! Everything

is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must

stay conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe,

breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the

one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy

pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that

is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS

THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on

the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on

the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.

CRAP! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part

of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and

matted hair. Then I make the next BIG

mistake...remember my foot is still propped up on the

toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my

foot down.

DARN!!!!!!!! I hear the slamming of a cell door.

*hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut!

Butt?? Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure

out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let

me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!" What

can I do to melt the wax? Hot water!! Hot water melts

wax!!!

I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the

bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the

wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

WRONG!!!!!!!

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than

that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize

surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether

regions glued together is having them glued together

and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding

hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though

I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!

God bless the man who had convinced me a few months

ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed

before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter - "So, my butt

and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the

tub!"

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret

tricks for removal but she does try to hide her

laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the

wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I

give her the rundown and she suggests I call the

number on the side of the box. YEAH!!!!!

Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's

night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to

scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels

better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot

wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water

and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a

major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need

Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally

see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to

remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose

at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the

dickens out of my friend.

It's sooo painful, I but I really don't care. "IT

WORKS!! It works!!"

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she

hangs up.

I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and

then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS

STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.

Nothing hurts.

I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

Now that's funny ......... Notttttttttt. Send this

on to other ladies who need a good laugh

[Mister E]

Reason 1026475 why being a male owns

[Dizz]

Somehow my sig actually fit that post.

[Evilness]

part of me feels bad for laughing, though it is only a small part . . . .

anothe rpart of me thanks god I am a man and that I will almost certainly never expose myself to such a degree of torture.

Thank you for such a wonderful story, it really has brightened my day

[F-3000]

Ouch.

[J.Twendrist]

I'm glad i wouldn't have to worry about that stuff. It sounds painful.

I'd rather face the draft board any day.

[screaming sayoonara]

Holy Cow! that is super funny! can't say i had my *hoo haa* and butt glued like that...but i do know the pain of waxing...and yes i am a male...got curious one day...what can i say?

[Mister E]

uhhhm, males dont have "hoo haa's" we have thingies

[screaming sayoonara]

well, whatever you want to call it...i'm just glad it wasn't glued to anything

[brsingr]

........wtf?

[Nympha]

OMG! I am cracking up so bad! Thank god I have never tried waxing or anything like that. Razor's once a day works fine for me!

[brsingr]

The only word I can describe that with is....... Disturbing. Glad to be a dude.

[Mudder]

Even dudes gotta wax sometimes. Ever had a girl that didn't like your happy trail? And dudes, don't shave your trail.

The damn thing grows. Its weird. It gets wider than normal. Wax is the way to go. Doesn't hurt that bad, unless your a panzy.

Though yeah, Brazillian waxing is just.. Just not friendly.

[Tom]

Even dudes gotta wax sometimes. Ever had a girl that didn't like your happy trail?

Your argument here is self-defeating. If she's calling his hair-removal shots, he no longer gets to be the "dude."

[Psycho Child]

Your argument here is self-defeating. If she's calling his hair-removal shots' date=' he no longer gets to be the "dude."[/quote']

Word.