Jokes

[Sirax]

LET'S KEEP IT CLEAN AND UNOFFENSIVE FOR EVERYONE, M'KAY?

-Chayesh

Sorry

[Psycho Child]

Hate to say it man...but they really arn't funny.

[brsingr]

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers." He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He has a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his private parts and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[brsingr]

how golf is like urinating in a public toilet

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

[Mister E]

So Superman is flying around, not much to do so he's checking out the lay of the land. As he flies by where Wonder Woman lives he happens to notice, with his super vision, she is naked and spread eagle in her backyard. "Oh my god!" he thinks to himself. "I have always had the hots for her and there she is just waiting for it." He decides that with his super speed he could fly down, have his way with her and fly away before she even knew what happened. He decides it's a good idea so he does it. Wonder Woman notices some kind of disturbance but has no idea what just transpired so she asks "What the hell was that?" and the Invisible man replies "I don't know but it hurt like hell."

[brsingr]

the Invisible man replies "I don't know but it hurt like hell."

I heard that one, only the invisible man said "I don't know, but my @$$ sure hurts."

[Sirax]

Ill try again with some cleaner ones. Shockingly bad though.

A guy asks a girl for her name "i call myself Carmen because i like cars and men"

Whats your name "Beershag"

" Pack your bags" says an exicted man "I won the lottery"

"Great" his wife says "where we going?"

"I dont care, just get the hell out"

Whats brown and sticky?

A Stick

What do you call inteligent Blonde?

A golden retriever.

A brain walks into a pub and says "can i have a pint please?"

"No chance" says the barman "your already out of your head"

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear a zip from miles

When is the only time you should fake an orgasm?

When you have a rottweiler shagging your leg

[Mattamue]

What did Batman say to Robin before they got into the Batmobile?

Robin, get in the Batmobile.

[Mister E]

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

[brsingr]

10 ways to piss off a cop

1. Say, "Damn, officer, you must have been going fast to keep up with me!"

2. When he approaches you, stare at his gut and say, "Hmmm. I thought cops had to be physically fit."

3. Sway and ask if his bulletproof vest protects him from projectile vomiting.

4. Lie on the ground and ask him to draw your outline in chalk.

5. Throw his nightstick and tell the police dog to fetch it.

6. Ask him if you can use his pepper spray to spice up your pizza.

7. Tell him you wanted to be a cop, but decided to graduate high school instead.

8. When he asks you to walk the line, "Riverdance" instead.

9. Instead of pleading the 5th amendment, plead the 13th or 16th.

10. When he asks for your license, say, "Oh sure, officer, can you hold my beer for a sec?"

[a-guitarist]

An asian man walks into the New York Stock Exchange and goes up to a man who is transfering money from one currency to another. The asian man pulls out 10,000 yen and hands it to the man, to which is returned $101.23.

The next day the same asian man walks in and hands the same man another 10,000 yen. The asian man is slightly shocked when he is only given $95.15 in return. Enraged the asian man yells, "Why you give me more money yesterday and less today?"

The man exchanging currency looks at him, then says, "Flucuations."

The asian man throws his arms up, walks five feet away, turns around and shouts, while giving the man the finger, "Well, fluc you americans, too!"

a-g

[crackwilly21]

Heh, ebaums world...

There is a bus cruising down the highway full of ugly people, I mean HIDEOUS people, all of them women, except one man. The bus crashes and falls down the side of a mountain and EVERYONE dies. Moments later, they're all standing at the pearly gates, and god appears. He says "I am sorry, I made you all go through life so unbearably ugly, that I'm going to grant you all one final wish before you get into heaven." All the women in the line wish to be gorgeous, beautiful, gracious, and all that jazz, all the while, the man at the end of the line is laughing uncontrollably. When it finally gets down to him, god asks "Whats so funny?", and the man replies "I wish they were all ugly again!"

[Deykari]

What do apples and oranges have in common?

Neither of them can drive tractors.

Dey

[Fiere]

A duck walks into a drugstore. He says to the clerk, "I'd like some pain medication." The clerk says, "That'll be $5.50" The duck says, "Just put it on my bill." BAHAHAHA! That joke absolutely requires you to be cracked up by it, iff nobody else.

What do you call a bunch on rabbis in some orange paint? Orange jews! BAHAHAHAHA! (same deal as the above)

And the best: There once was a man named John, way back in the day, who owned a flower shop. He was doing great until one day, the monastery in town opened up a rival flower shop. Everybody started buying all of their flowers from the friars, putting John out of bussiness. Finally, John got fed up. He hired Hugh Mactaggart, the roughest, toughest bully in the whole village to go rough up the monks. Hugh went over there, trashed the place, and told them never to open again. Thus proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent Florist Friars.