Why April Fools' Day is Terrible (and You Can Too)

[Evangelion]

Picture this: It's 1392 or thereabouts and you, being the savvy writer that you are, compose a cunning tale of a prideful rooster being tricked into a tasty demise by a wily fox. Moralizing, perhaps, to the modern Narcissus, but otherwise an ordinary yarn.

 

But it doesn't stop there. For the next 600 years, people expound upon your insidious tale, sending off the month of Caesarian tragedy with an ever-growing litany of practical jokes. For one day each year, your personal torment is beheld at the whim of those whom share your environment. Still, even as the pranks escalate, they are confined to your earthly surroundings and are variably predictable for the vigilant observer. And furthermore, no apology is necessary for these war crimes; rather, a simple exclamation of "April Fools' Day!" will do.

 

Enter the Internet. The Golden Age of technology bursts forth, bringing with it a veritable Pandora's box of springtime hijinks. But the once-stalwart barrier of your own domain has weakened further, permeated by the disingenuous artifice of the electronic hive mind. Where once IcyHot on the toilet seat and Skittles in the M&M jar might have been the mightiest of foes, wrought by the hand of Coworker Joe or your devious spouse, now the entire world can manipulate the fabric of your already-fragile mind. Such demonic siren songs as "All Male Hooters Coming Soon" or "Lucas Available as DLC" abound and, helpless to their call, you give in to these seemingly benign lures only to be lost to an endless sea of shame that erodes your very being.

 

Consider: In World War II, the only thing that prevented global annihilation was that only one side held the key to victory. Much like the currently impending danger of nuclear holocaust, April Fools' Day now presents a crisis-level threat from all sides. Now, more than ever, one must be careful to believe nothing that is said on the first of April, lest ye be condemned to a fate of solemn disappointment and unyielding mockery for all time.

[Dale]

Sum body got pranked hard.