Dad life.

[FatMike]

Threatened my 3 year old with calling Santa this morning. Had to stand tall. Called and left a screaming and crying voicemail for the "present man". Needless to say it didn't work, 10 minutes later still not ready for daycare and I'm outside drinking coffee and smoking.

Whats the most ridiculous thing you've threatened your kid with? 

[Zavero]

My wife is due January 7th with our first (and possibly only) kid.... Oh I can't wait to have some stories of my own!

[Kyzarius]

Told them I was going to sell them to some random guy on the side of the highway if they didn't stop bickering. 

 

I am crazy, I have a 15 yr old girl, 17 year old boy and a 5 month old.

[FatMike]

33 minutes ago, Zavero said:

My wife is due January 7th with our first (and possibly only) kid.... Oh I can't wait to have some stories of my own!

Congrats, they are more fun than not. 

 

30 minutes ago, Kyzarius said:

Told them I was going to sell them to some random guy on the side of the highway if they didn't stop bickering. 

 

I am crazy, I have a 15 yr old girl, 17 year old boy and a 5 month old.

Nice! I'm gonna try that!

[Magick]

My current favorite is threatening to hang them by their toenails from the ceiling.

[Ulmusdorn]

I don't have kids but my parents always threatened to drop us off on the highway if we didn't shut up (Did it once or twice too  )

[hotspring monkey]

I don't have my own yet, but:

1. I told my little brother that honey is made out of bees with stingers etc intact while he was eating it. He vomited and cried that he will die. I just nodded.
2. I dared my little brother to touch the water puddle and electric fence. He dared.
3. The basic "you're adopted"-talk worked only few times.
4. Stepmom's brothers little shits were at our place and stepmom had bought them "laser-pistols" (aka flashing lights, loud noises). It annoyed me because I was nerd but I was crafty - I knew they'd believe anything I tell them, so I had glow-in-the-dark plasticine (playdough?) that I stuck in a wall close to the bottleneck leading to the end of the house where my room was and told them that this thing here radiates and radiation kills. They left the area alone after.
5. I told the same kids that yelling too much might rupture veins in their head and lead to cerebral infarction. They didn't know what it was, so I showed them a clip from Akira.
6. My big sister told me that watching microwave while its cooking gives you cancer or blindness. I still believe her.
7. My little brother was behaving badly during holidays, so my sister and I came up with a plan - I went out to get wood for the fireplace and quickly put on christmas elf clothes and lit up a lantern and walked past the windows while sister was pointing me to my little bro that elf is checking out on him to see if he is good or bad. It worked.
8. My father had put on a santa-mask and had climbed on our balcony while we were playing 8-bit nintendo with my little brother. He stormed in screaming and had us startled. Probably crying.
9. I got shitloads of little shites to cry at work on airport when I entertained them by singing part of popular song from Nassesetä's show. I just practically sang to them "Uncle geezer, hairy uncle geezer." That makes no sense in english, but literal translations are the best. The show was pretty fucked up shite to watch up while growing up, but hey. Golden 80's.
10.  

[Fool_Hardy]

1. We told our children kids were not allowed in grocery stores, worked until grandma took them to Homeland. Saved a fortune those first five years in Cereal alone.

2. Take them to church, ask the preacher to tell them the story of Abraham. Make sure they understand that MILLIONS of families believe just as the preacher does. Stress freedom of religion and the first amendment. Then, everytime they step out of line you say "Do not make me take you on the mountain and dig a hole." But only until they are teenagers, then you get to say "You know I will take you up on that mountain and make you dig your hole."

3. If the kid throws a Tantrum in a public forum, do not stay and try to calm the child down with gentle speech dripping with bile. Instead, simply tell them that such displays are against the law and you will not be paying for their lawyer when the police come to arrest them. My son was 4 when he threw his last fit in public. Kids are smart, use the Wizards First Rule everytime you get the opportunity.

[sarcon]

Dam I feel left out. I never had to threaten my kids yet. They are my best friends and we pretty much agree on most things. I have a 14-year-old boy, 10 year old boy and 8 year old girl. I'm a big kid myself and my kids are great, never had to pull out the father card. We are joking around 90% of the time and try not to take life too seriously when we don't need to, seems to be working out. 

[Izzy]

Lately all I have to do is say Im turning off the internet.  Problem over.

[Ambroas]

I only threaten with stuff that I'll actually do usually, tip I learned from remembering being a child.  If my parents EVER made a threat they went through with it, spent a week sleeping on the floor with no bed when they removed it from my room and put it in the shed because I wouldn't make it after being told to multiple times.

This reminds me of a comedian, John Heffron who speaks about how his dad got all of them to be afraid of him.  Two minute video but the idea is AMAZING, hope we plan to remodel one day so I can do it.

 

[Fool_Hardy]

Oh They Know I will do it.

Took them to Home Depot before they started dating and had them pick out a shovel.

Seriously.

Then made them tell the Clerk what the shovel was for.

Yeah, men in blue have a sense of humor it turns out.

FTR both kids are grown now, I have a beautiful grand daughter who will also get driven to Home Depot one day by her father.

Never went to the emergency room. Not once.

Never had to pick them up at jail. Not once.

Never had to loan either one gas money. Not once.

Judge me as you may, in my world results count.